In case of emergency...

One evening while watching TV on the Wii...

L: (in EXTREME panic) The batteries died!! THE BATTERIES DIED!!!

M: I don't know what you want me to do about that.

L: They're dead. No blue lights!!

M: (opens a console where we keep various items) Nothing but bones in there. 

L: Bones? The bones of old remotes?! THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

M: Dog bones. Chillax. There are batteries in the kitchen.

L: Thank God.

She may have too much free time on her hands.

Michelle is cleaning out some tubs of junk in the laundry room, and then suddenly this happened.

M: I have a lot of paint. We should paint something.

L: (quizzical stare)

M: (holds up 2 bags of paint)

L: What do you want us to paint?

M: (looks around and settles on the dog for a few seconds, looks back at me with her eyebrows raised.)

L: You're not painting the dog.

M: I also have a lot of glitter.

L: No.

That would be a mistake.

At least we all know where we stand.

M: Let's Captain Planet salute! (Makes a fist like the Captain himself.)

L: No! I'm not putting my fist anywhere near yours, you've tricked me into pounding it before.

M: Captain Planet doesn't pound it, just puts fists in the center.

L: I don't trust you, I'm not putting my knuckles anywhere near yours.

M: I'm going to put my knuckles in your face. (We both chuckle for a moment.)

L: That would be a mistake.

M: I know.

Real Talk... That required us to pause The Bachelorette

What? Sometimes your conversations need a minute and you have to pause a one on one date.

M: I don't like him. He's not very deep. What he wants in a woman is "great and sweet"?

L: That's what I'm looking for... Someone who's great and sweet. Are you saying that's not enough?

M: Great and sweet are like the sprinkles... I need know a little more.

L: I might add funny...

M: Sprinkles! I need to know what flavor ice cream you're getting.

L: So you're not going to approve of a guy I date because he's a topping, and not a flavor?

M: No. I just want more. Tell me that you don't want a super adventurous guy. Or at least not one that makes you go on ridiculous adventures.

L: I don't know. I might do it for love.

M: (serious face) You'd never skydive. Even for love.

L: No. But I might camp.

M: Good. Camping for love. You've got a new hit show on your hands there.

L: Let me know the ratings report on Which Flavor Are You.

Miscommunications

Upon returning home from the gym (huffing and puffing), I find Lindsey sitting on the couch, remote in hand, with a look of excitement on her face...

L: I have an idea. We should watch Pretty Little Liars this summer so you can get caught up and watch the new season with me. Also it's mildly scary, which I think you would like. 

M: That sounds good. 

L: Also, I started watching Twisted which I think you would like.

M: I saw a preview for that, I want to see that too. And I started watching Mistresses on my iPad this morning...have you watched it yet? I really liked it.

L: Mister Sis? That does not sound like a show I want to watch.  A Mister that is also a Sis? I don't think so. Unacceptable.

M: Um. Mistresses, not Mister Sis. That would be very weird. 

Happy first Saturday of Summer break.

Dream Big, People

Lindsey: I wish there was a way we could be independently wealthy and just plot revenge against people. Then we could make her spill her coffee every morning.

Michelle: Then we'd be like, "Did you see her Facebook status? Haha!"

Lindsey: And we'd high five and be like, "We did that."

Michelle: That's what happens when you're rich enough to own gravity.

Real things we've actually said.

Today I was doing some online spring cleaning (my Pinterest Boards have never been so organized!) and I came across this conversation that was catalogued and saved for a time much after it had actually taken place so that no one could be implicated. Please enjoy.

While doing a little Walgreens shopping...

Michelle: I ran into Aladdin* last week.

Lindsey: Oh? You're just telling me about this?

M: Yea. Because I saw him, I've been thinking about him. I thought I should mention it.

L: Maybe you should just call him. Get him out of your system.

M: What if that doesn't work? What if it makes me hate him? Or worse, what if I like him even more?

L: I say just go for it.

M: I'm going for some Swedish Fish. I've been wanting them for over a week.

L: Didn't you just have some yesterday?

M: Yes, yes I did. And it did NOT get them out of my system.

L: It didn't? Did it make you like them even more? Or just make you want a casual relationship with them?

M: We're not friends anymore.


Obviously, the asterisk indicates that names have been changed. We clearly don't know someone named Aladdin. Or do we...

Couch Poll-tato

A (one sided) conversation that happened on the couch, while we were taking an online poll about TV show hosts.

Lindsey: How is Carson Daly possibly winning this poll right now? Ryan Seacrest is totally a better host than him.

Michelle: (Deer in headlights stare)

Lindsey: You picked Nick Cannon, didn't you?

Michelle: (Continues deer in headlights stare)

Lindsey: Unbelievable. 
 

Chats on the Couch

This happened. While watching The Bachelor.

Lindsey: My ring finger is a seven, for future reference.
Michelle: Mine is an eight and a half. Or a quarter. Or three quarters. It is something weird like that.
Lindsey: I'll keep it in mind.
Michelle: For future reference, I want a proposal like the one in Sweet Home Alabama.
Lindsey: I can't help you with that. I'd have to travel back in time, get you onto a beach with some kid who is like three years older than you, then get you both struck by lightning. Then once I was back in the future I'd have to track him down again, get you both back to the beach again, and get you struck by lightning again. That is an awful lot of work.
Michelle: I meant the one in the beginning. With Patrick Dempsey. At Tiffany's.
Lindsey: Oh. That's probably more doable, but I won't make that promise either.

A Day (or two) in the Life of a Couch Potato

Recently, Michelle and myself have been in the throes of craziness. We've both been sick, Michelle way more so than me, trying to train for a half marathon, work, social lives, family obligations, and a super fun Mardi Gras party-- there has been a lot going on! In the midst of all of it there has not been a lot of time to blog. In fact, there has been almost no time to blog.

Luckily, we have a strange habit of recording our conversations, which has left us with plenty of material here to share with you and get to be a fly on the wall of our living room, car, or anywhere else.

This upcoming weekend brings the end of my half marathon training so I, for one, will have just a little more time available to bring all of my blog ideas to life.

But until then, here are some real conversations that Michelle and I have had in the past two months or so that were just too funny to no exploit for your entertainment.

*Please note some of these conversations were recorded by Michelle, I am not referring to myself I the third person :)

--------------------------------------
Sitting in Sweet Tomatoes (our all time favorite restaurant) we were very understandably distracted by a group of children in karate uniforms.

Michelle: Oh look, the ninjas are here.
Lindsey: Good. Maybe they can protect us from pregnancy.
Michelle: -after a moment of consideration- There are worse things in life.

---------------------------------------

Lindsey: Her butt and my butt are almost always touching.

She was referring to my dog while sitting on the couch, but it's funnier if you read it out of context.


----------------------------------------


Waiting for General Hospital to start the other day, we happened across The Chew. (We do not like The Chew, on principal. We've never watched it.)

Michelle: Clinton Kelly. I really like you, but--
Lindsey: But your show took over for One Life To Live and I cannot condone it. And Mario Batali, stop wearing Crocs.
Michelle: And ponytails! You're telling me, looking at this, the Crocs are the problem?

------------------------------------------

Lindsey: He was dressed really nicely.
Michelle: Well, because he came from work.
Lindsey: Or because he wanted to ask you on a date.
Michelle: (chokes on an almond) Now I'm sick to my stomach.

------------------------------------------

On our way home from our New Year's celebration, this happened:

Michelle: Can you slow down? I can't keep up with you.
Lindsey: Why don't you take your shoes off?
Michelle: Because my feet are sensitive and the ground will hurt them.
Lindsey: Oh. My. Word.
Michelle: (blows party horn)

Sometimes the blow of a party horn is the best response.


-----------------------------------------

Sitting on he couch, in the dark, playing word games back and forth on our iPads.

Lindsey: Um... According to Scramble bed-rape is a word. Seriously? Bed-rape?
Michelle: I think it's be-drape... Like to bedrape something in cloth....
Lindsey: Oh.. (This was followed by a medicine induced fit of laughter)


-----------------------------------------

Sometimes we people watch. It makes us feel better about ourselves. And it is funny.

Lindsey: That kid is totally in charge in that family.
Michelle: For real.
Lindsey: If I ever have a child who is in control of me, you have full permission to do something about it.
Michelle: (blank stare) No one will ever be in control of you. Ever. No really. We can call your mom, your dad, your sister... Whoever you want. You will never not be in charge.

Apparently, Michelle thinks I like to be in charge. She's not wrong.

-------------------------------------–

Again, sorry for our lack of real blogs lately, but such is life! Hopefully you thought this was (kind of) funny and you have some more insight into life as a Couch Potato Princess.

Tune in next week when we have some kind of tribute written to honor our (kind of) friend Danny, who (kind of) likes our blog.

Arrrrr Mateys!

A late night chat about pirates.

Michelle: What if pirates were real?
Lindsey: Pirates are real.
Michelle: I know. But I'm talking about old timey pirates, with like peg legs and stuff.
Lindsey: I'm sure they used to be real. But we have modern medicine. They'd have prosthetics.
Michelle: You're telling me, that if I was out on the beach, and a pirate ship washed ashore, the captain would have a prosthetic leg?
Lindsey: Yes. I think a current day pirate missing his leg would have a prosthetic not a peg.
Michelle: I want real pirates. With peg legs, hooks and crocodiles
Lindsey: Like Peter Pan?
Michelle: Yes. His name was Captain Hook, not Captain Prosthetic. And Captain Planet, not Captain Transplant.
Lindsey: Captain Planet wasn't a pirate. He was a hero.... Trying to take pollution down to zero.

Chit Chat with Lindsey

Me: He didn't even put the litter box back..
Lindsey: He what? (Distractedly looking up from her computer)
Me: He didn't put the litter box back when he finished!
Lindsey: (Stops and looks up, gravely) What. In. The. Hell. Bruce.


Bruce came to install our new cable today. We still don't have Internet.

What in the hell, Bruce?

Real post as soon as we do, happy new year!

Real Talk

Me: Would it kill you to just go out with him?
Michelle: Yes. Physically and.... cholesterolly.
Me: Did you just say cholesterolly? As in he would actually raise your cholesterol level? And it would kill you?

Real Conversations

Michelle: What can I get them? I need to get them something, right?
Me: Just get them like, a $10 giftcard to--
Michelle: TEN DOLLARS?! What do you think this is? Money Town? Where do you think we live?


No.. We do not live in Money Town, as evidenced by my lack of expensive things I want. No need to remind me.