In case of emergency...

One evening while watching TV on the Wii...

L: (in EXTREME panic) The batteries died!! THE BATTERIES DIED!!!

M: I don't know what you want me to do about that.

L: They're dead. No blue lights!!

M: (opens a console where we keep various items) Nothing but bones in there. 

L: Bones? The bones of old remotes?! THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

M: Dog bones. Chillax. There are batteries in the kitchen.

L: Thank God.

She may have too much free time on her hands.

Michelle is cleaning out some tubs of junk in the laundry room, and then suddenly this happened.

M: I have a lot of paint. We should paint something.

L: (quizzical stare)

M: (holds up 2 bags of paint)

L: What do you want us to paint?

M: (looks around and settles on the dog for a few seconds, looks back at me with her eyebrows raised.)

L: You're not painting the dog.

M: I also have a lot of glitter.

L: No.

That would be a mistake.

At least we all know where we stand.

M: Let's Captain Planet salute! (Makes a fist like the Captain himself.)

L: No! I'm not putting my fist anywhere near yours, you've tricked me into pounding it before.

M: Captain Planet doesn't pound it, just puts fists in the center.

L: I don't trust you, I'm not putting my knuckles anywhere near yours.

M: I'm going to put my knuckles in your face. (We both chuckle for a moment.)

L: That would be a mistake.

M: I know.

Real Talk... That required us to pause The Bachelorette

What? Sometimes your conversations need a minute and you have to pause a one on one date.

M: I don't like him. He's not very deep. What he wants in a woman is "great and sweet"?

L: That's what I'm looking for... Someone who's great and sweet. Are you saying that's not enough?

M: Great and sweet are like the sprinkles... I need know a little more.

L: I might add funny...

M: Sprinkles! I need to know what flavor ice cream you're getting.

L: So you're not going to approve of a guy I date because he's a topping, and not a flavor?

M: No. I just want more. Tell me that you don't want a super adventurous guy. Or at least not one that makes you go on ridiculous adventures.

L: I don't know. I might do it for love.

M: (serious face) You'd never skydive. Even for love.

L: No. But I might camp.

M: Good. Camping for love. You've got a new hit show on your hands there.

L: Let me know the ratings report on Which Flavor Are You.

Miscommunications

Upon returning home from the gym (huffing and puffing), I find Lindsey sitting on the couch, remote in hand, with a look of excitement on her face...

L: I have an idea. We should watch Pretty Little Liars this summer so you can get caught up and watch the new season with me. Also it's mildly scary, which I think you would like. 

M: That sounds good. 

L: Also, I started watching Twisted which I think you would like.

M: I saw a preview for that, I want to see that too. And I started watching Mistresses on my iPad this morning...have you watched it yet? I really liked it.

L: Mister Sis? That does not sound like a show I want to watch.  A Mister that is also a Sis? I don't think so. Unacceptable.

M: Um. Mistresses, not Mister Sis. That would be very weird. 

Happy first Saturday of Summer break.

Dream Big, People

Lindsey: I wish there was a way we could be independently wealthy and just plot revenge against people. Then we could make her spill her coffee every morning.

Michelle: Then we'd be like, "Did you see her Facebook status? Haha!"

Lindsey: And we'd high five and be like, "We did that."

Michelle: That's what happens when you're rich enough to own gravity.

Real things we've actually said.

Today I was doing some online spring cleaning (my Pinterest Boards have never been so organized!) and I came across this conversation that was catalogued and saved for a time much after it had actually taken place so that no one could be implicated. Please enjoy.

While doing a little Walgreens shopping...

Michelle: I ran into Aladdin* last week.

Lindsey: Oh? You're just telling me about this?

M: Yea. Because I saw him, I've been thinking about him. I thought I should mention it.

L: Maybe you should just call him. Get him out of your system.

M: What if that doesn't work? What if it makes me hate him? Or worse, what if I like him even more?

L: I say just go for it.

M: I'm going for some Swedish Fish. I've been wanting them for over a week.

L: Didn't you just have some yesterday?

M: Yes, yes I did. And it did NOT get them out of my system.

L: It didn't? Did it make you like them even more? Or just make you want a casual relationship with them?

M: We're not friends anymore.


Obviously, the asterisk indicates that names have been changed. We clearly don't know someone named Aladdin. Or do we...

Couch Poll-tato

A (one sided) conversation that happened on the couch, while we were taking an online poll about TV show hosts.

Lindsey: How is Carson Daly possibly winning this poll right now? Ryan Seacrest is totally a better host than him.

Michelle: (Deer in headlights stare)

Lindsey: You picked Nick Cannon, didn't you?

Michelle: (Continues deer in headlights stare)

Lindsey: Unbelievable. 
 

Chats on the Couch

This happened. While watching The Bachelor.

Lindsey: My ring finger is a seven, for future reference.
Michelle: Mine is an eight and a half. Or a quarter. Or three quarters. It is something weird like that.
Lindsey: I'll keep it in mind.
Michelle: For future reference, I want a proposal like the one in Sweet Home Alabama.
Lindsey: I can't help you with that. I'd have to travel back in time, get you onto a beach with some kid who is like three years older than you, then get you both struck by lightning. Then once I was back in the future I'd have to track him down again, get you both back to the beach again, and get you struck by lightning again. That is an awful lot of work.
Michelle: I meant the one in the beginning. With Patrick Dempsey. At Tiffany's.
Lindsey: Oh. That's probably more doable, but I won't make that promise either.

Arrrrr Mateys!

A late night chat about pirates.

Michelle: What if pirates were real?
Lindsey: Pirates are real.
Michelle: I know. But I'm talking about old timey pirates, with like peg legs and stuff.
Lindsey: I'm sure they used to be real. But we have modern medicine. They'd have prosthetics.
Michelle: You're telling me, that if I was out on the beach, and a pirate ship washed ashore, the captain would have a prosthetic leg?
Lindsey: Yes. I think a current day pirate missing his leg would have a prosthetic not a peg.
Michelle: I want real pirates. With peg legs, hooks and crocodiles
Lindsey: Like Peter Pan?
Michelle: Yes. His name was Captain Hook, not Captain Prosthetic. And Captain Planet, not Captain Transplant.
Lindsey: Captain Planet wasn't a pirate. He was a hero.... Trying to take pollution down to zero.

Chit Chat with Lindsey

Me: He didn't even put the litter box back..
Lindsey: He what? (Distractedly looking up from her computer)
Me: He didn't put the litter box back when he finished!
Lindsey: (Stops and looks up, gravely) What. In. The. Hell. Bruce.


Bruce came to install our new cable today. We still don't have Internet.

What in the hell, Bruce?

Real post as soon as we do, happy new year!

Smells Like Christmas Spirit

Lindsey and I have decided that you, our readers, deserve a special treat this Christmas Eve. So we've written you a song (well, re-written, but that didn't sound as thoughtful) that we hope you will enjoy.


The 12 Days of Christmas: Revised

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
12 Tervis Tumblers in Michelle's car

Okay, so they aren't always in my car but that's usually where they get stuck in limbo between work and home. So thank you, Lindsey, for the many Tervis-es that will hopefully not share the same fate as the rest!


 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
11 Tanks of Gas

Because Michelle knows it will in fact take 11 tanks of gas to get me back and forth to see my family (almost) every day in this week of holiday cheer.

On the ten day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
10 Dollars to take to Money Town

You're a funny one, madam.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
9 Sweet Tomatoes Coupons


We can never say no to BOGO!

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
8 lbs of Bacon

It's okay, we're Paleo. And, it will take us about 2 weeks to finish that much bacon...

I think.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
7 Working Cell Phones


Ha-ha. Because mine had a small rendezvous with some water and is now only partially functional. Hooray for upgrades in April!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
6 Episodes of General Hospital on the DVR

Five now, since we watched one while writing this post!



 

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
5 Golden Rings


Well... she got me Funyuns, not golden rings. But I guess it's kind of the same thing.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
4 Spoons from Menchies

You really shouldn't have. Isn't she thoughtful? And so artistic.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
3 Target Gift Receipts


Celery, dog toys, and an ugly sweater? Good thing those came with gift receipts.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
2 Maintenance Men

It's not my fault our apartment needs fixing! Well, maybe it's my fault a little bit..

On the first day of Christmas, my true love roommate gave to me..
1 Working Garbage Disposal 

Finally, a gift for the whole family to enjoy! (As long as no eggshells, potato peels, or aquarium rocks make their way down there.)  




Merry Christmas Couch Potatoes! From our living room to yours :)

Love, Lindsey and Michelle

Real Talk

Me: Would it kill you to just go out with him?
Michelle: Yes. Physically and.... cholesterolly.
Me: Did you just say cholesterolly? As in he would actually raise your cholesterol level? And it would kill you?

Real Conversations

Michelle: What can I get them? I need to get them something, right?
Me: Just get them like, a $10 giftcard to--
Michelle: TEN DOLLARS?! What do you think this is? Money Town? Where do you think we live?


No.. We do not live in Money Town, as evidenced by my lack of expensive things I want. No need to remind me.

Introducing...

Welcome to our couch, friends and fellow couch potatoes! To kick off our time here on the couch, we decided to create a bio for each other, highlighting our very best (and worst) qualities for your enjoyment. So, without further ado...

Name: Lindsey
Age: Old enough to drink, but young enough to enjoy it.
Sign: Sagittarius
Hobbies: Shopping (all kinds), collecting DVDs (Seriously, our living room is like walking into a Blockbuster. Do those still exist?), and all things cat (I feel like that one is self-explanatory, and will be revisited at a later date).
Likes: Wine, Trivia, and Celery. (Just kidding, she hates celery. It literally makes her gag. I've seen it.)
Dislikes: Celery, duh.
Side of the couch: Right



Name: Michelle
Age: Younger than me. Whore.
Sign: Gemini
Hobbies: Borrowing my clothes/shoes, biting her nails, and working on the weekends. (None of those are real, actual hobbies. After a lengthy discussion we determined Michelle actually has no hobbies. She does like dogs, but not in the way I like cats, which makes it a like, not a hobby.)
Likes: Dogs, wine, trivia night, going in the exit (Just kidding. This she hates. Michelle hates breaking any rules. All rules, in fact. Sometimes, when we are shopping and she is about to enter through the exit I begin to mock her and then she HAS to go to the correct door. Yea, yea, it's mean. Reserve your judgement until you try it, because it is also funny.)
Dislikes: Rule breaking, staying up past bed time
Oh, and long walks on the beach. You can choose if it is a like, or a dislike ;)
Side of the couch: Left

Until further adieu, Coach Potatoes, we bid you farewell.
And see you next week.