We meet once again, Bachelorette fans! And Desiree sure did have a LOT of drama for us to discuss last night! Since Michelle has still not come home from her two week deluxe getaway, I was stuck watching the Bachelorette alone again... So I needed to call in yet another guest commentator: very good friend to the Couch Potato Princesses Vicki was present on the couch and her thoughts will pop into the blog here and there for your enjoyment. (And I will investigate what is apparently an issue I have with co-dependency.)
The night started off with a Love is a Battlefield (Vicki's favorite Pat Benetar song) group date. Desiree rounded up several men, who's names I cannot all recall because there are STILL too many of them and I haven't learned all their names, to play a rousing game of dodge ball. Because apparently over at ABC we still have learned basically nothing after the Boxing Date Ashley H. brought us on, or the Roller Derby Date Sean had for us last season. But a new game, new men, new risks, is apparently the motto we are rolling with today.
During dodge ball practice Chris Harrison showed up without his champagne flute or a rose, so we knew there was some kind of twist in store for us. Chris split the boys into teams and declared that the winners of the dodge ball tournament would be the only team allowed to go to the group date after party with Desiree. The stakes had been raised and the men were ready to deliver. When Vicki and I decided we needed to pick a team to support we realized we couldn't, because we didn't remember anyone's names and now they were all dressed in matching blue and red outfits. Ultimately, I decided on red because I thought the blue team looked a little bit douchier than the red. The red and blue teams each won one game, bringing our tournament down to the third game in order to find a winner. In a moment of extreme sports drama Brooks goes down... with a hurt finger. Yes, our friend Brooks of the longish greasy hair had quite the ouchy. So bad, in fact, that he needed to be taken to the hospital to get it taken care of. Get well soon Brooks! In the meantime, the other guys will continue to woo Desiree while you're off being a baby. (I don't know, broken fingers might hurt really bad, but I feel like he maybe could have been a teensy bit less dramatic.)
After Brooks' departure the game ended with the blue team victorious. In a plot turn that I am sure everyone saw coming Desiree decided that all the men should come to the after party, not just the winners. Good call Des, the blue team was definitely the lamer team. While the party rages on with drinks and snacks we cut to a shot of Brooks writhing in the hospital in the most pain he's ever been in (his words, not mine). Desiree lifts a glass and has the men make a toast to Brooks, which I am sure will really help to calm all that pain he's in over in the ER.
The very handsome Brad wound up with some one on one time with Desiree, which brought up the question: Who is Brad? Sir, you actually have to be a contestant on this show from the first night.. we don't just let handsome men in in the middle of the competition. Ok, I'm sure Brad has been around from the beginning, I just don't remember him. I think I do like him now though, and not just because he is handsome, but also because he is personable and sweet. (Also, Brad is a dad. Which really is neither here nor there, just wanted to say it because it rhymed.)
At this point in our viewing the shocking fact of truth came out that Vicki still likes Tierra. Apparently, I've judged her too harshly and Tierra is really not all that bad. You can decide who's right and who's wrong. While Vicki and I were having a riveting debate over the ever so sparkly Tierra, Desiree was having a revolving door of one on one moments with all the men. Chris found a super secret spot on the roof which Desiree loved. She especially loved hanging her feet off the side of the building. This is when I realized I'd be the most boring Bachelorette ever, because not only would I not hang my feet off the side of a building, I most likely wouldn't be on the roof of a building, and I certainly wouldn't be repelling down anything, ever. But I digress.
Brooks has now made his triumphant return to the after party and he has his work cut out for him because as Vicki ever so accurately and elegantly pointed out: "Everyone else is in their pimpin' clothes and he's still in his shorty shorts from the dodge ball game." But, despite his shorty shorts, Brooks got immediate one on one time with Desiree AND a kiss. So take that guy who broke Brooks' finger.
In the end, Chris ended up with the ever so coveted group date rose for finding that Inspector Gadget spot for him and Desiree. Tonight's group date rose is extra special because it includes a private concert by Kate Earl. (Who's Kate Earl? Can she do a Joan Osborne cover? Because she sounds just like Joan Osborne. A little "One of Us" would have been stellar.)
The next day while Desiree is hanging out with her sketch book Chris Harrison called her with shocking news. Desiree immediately hopped into her baby blue Bentley and headed over to the guys' mansion to have herself a confrontation. Because I learned in the previews very early on that Brian in fact had a girlfriend back home I was less than surprised when Desiree pulled him outside to talk, and then did her very best to catch Brian spinning a web of lies, knowing full well his girlfriend was on her way out. And Chris Harrison paraded her right on through the house for all of the men to see. When our new friend Stephanie stepped onto the patio she immediately called Brian a liar and and begin hurling the accusations. According to Steph, she tried to break up with Brian before he left to come on the show, but he convinced her to just take a break. (These people apparently learned nothing from Ross and Rachel.) Brian told Stephie he just needed some time to himself and they could reconnect after he got back from his "business trip" in Cali. Not great Brian, not great. You've now gone from two girlfriends, to none.
Brandon began to cry because his mom brought father figures in and out of his life throughout his childhood and since ole Stephie is a single mom, this hits close to home for him. Somehow Brandon has managed to make this whole situation about him... I am not sure if I should be applauding him, or be sick of him.
After all the drama and crying was over #Kasey, who I don't even remember seeing last week, got a one on one date. Desiree took him to Sunset Boulevard to do some kind of extreme dancing on the side of a building. Naturally, before they could begin dancing, the pair needed to repel down the building first. Why so many terrifying dates on this show? After the dancing was over, Des and #Kasey made their way to a swimming pool, because what else do you do in the Santa Ana winds other than go swimming?! (And we needed to meet our episode minimum of one swimming pool.) #Kasey did earn himself a rose because he was such a good sport through the bad moods and the bad weather of the day.
For her final date of the evening, Desiree brought 5 gentlemen on some kind of lone ranger date. A horse drawn carriage brought the men to meet Desiree, who was dressed in a Gone with the Wind style dress. Desiree is immediately attacked by what we should assume to be a smarmy gentleman, but our Desiree is able to fend him off with a quick one-two punch, of course. The guys are going to be "competing" in a Hollywood stunt show type activity where they rescue our damsel in distress from some less than savory characters. The men get dressed up in some delightful cowboy outfits and then take turns acting out their scenes. Notable moments include how adorable our favorite Bryden was, Dan (who the heck is Dan?!) splitting his pants, and lots of fake punches. When Juan Pablo took his turn, he whispered some kind of Spanish nothing into Desiree's ear as he swept her away to his horse. As Bryden pointed out, for all we know he was spouting off a recipe for pasta, but it sure did sound good to Des. So good, in fact, that she gave him the ranger badge which earned him a movie screening with Desiree. Movies are not the best date, because you cannot really talk and get to know each other. You can kiss, however. Smooth moves, Juan Pablo. Vicki believes that Latin lovers lie, so watch out Des, there may still be another liar in your midst. (PS: What do you think the other guys are doing during this movie screening?)
During the after party James, aka Clark Kent, got some good one on one time with Desiree AND a rose. (Why not Bryden, Desiree? Why?) In a move that earned him 1,000 points Clark Kent gave Desiree a daisy after getting his rose. It was super cute, fun and flirty. But it did not result in a kiss for James. Hmmm.
Desiree canceled the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. All that tells me is that Desiree would rather wear a bathing suit than a sparkly party dress. On behalf of "normal" women every where, Desiree, boo to you, ma'am. Ben approached Desiree before she arrived at the party so the two of them could go on a "secret" car ride together. Ben, I am losing patience with you. And what is up with your tank top? Luckily for me, Vicki was here to corroborate my feelings that Ben is an ass. Can anyone explain it? I know that I am still struggling to find the words to explain why it is that I don't like him. If you know what it is, please comment below! We need to know! The pool party was basically just like the cocktail party, only with water. It wasn't anything special or spectacular, with no real good conversations to note; other than Brandon who may actually be too big of a cry baby.
Suddenly Suits! All the men had time to change and dapper themselves up so as to attend the rose ceremony. In the end, Desiree sent home Brandon and Dan.
Dan... We barely knew you. Which is probably why you got sent home.
Brandon... it was probably that cry baby thing I mentioned earlier.
Two thumbs up on cast offs tonight Desiree. The only thing that would have been better is if you had sent Ben home instead.
And there you have it friends! Another week of The Bachelorette behind us! My favorites right now are of course Bryden and I am starting to really like James as well.
Comment below and let us know what you thought of last night's show!