Tuesday, May 28, 2013

People are scary

So I have a really irrational fear of running into people while I'm outdoing mundane things. I know, you're thinking.. "That's ridiculous, Michelle, people aren't scary." But, they are. Really. As this seems to be happening to me way more often than I'd like lately, I've been analyzing the situation and there are really 4 categories of people you can run into while you're out. For those of you with OCD problems, I've ordered them in a list ranging from completely terrifying situations to totally non-threatening ones. You're welcome.

1. Serial Killers / Thugs / Gangsters / Ex-Friends / Ex-Boyfriends 

Obviously, these are members of the scariest groups of people to run into. You don't follow them on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, or Tumblr and you certainly are NOT Facebook friends, in fact they are probably on your blocked list. Sure you might google them from time to time but it doesn't mean you want to set up a Tee time and have a brewski. Likely, you're just hoping to find an embarrassing mug shot to pass around to your friends and family.These are always the people you run into at the most impossible and inconvenient moment ever. You know, after your 3 hour power workout as your dripping sweat in the McDonald's line (don't even pretend you've never done that, stop judging). Or, better yet, on that 11:30pm trip to Walmart while in your Tweety Bird jammie's to buy Ben & Jerry's and Chex mix. No, I don't in fact want to talk to you and chances are you feel the same way so my hope is that we both pretend not to see each other and walk the other way. However, my luck is rarely that good.

2. Facebook Oversharers / Medical Professionals / Friends You Haven't Seen in a Long Time

This group, while slightly less terrifying to run into, still aren't people you would go out of your way to see. They are people who either know too much about you or you know too much about. Maybe it's that one friend on Facebook you can't bear to delete because her constant crazy status updates give you a laugh on a bad day, even if they are more annoying than a thousand hormonal pre-teens watching the Titanic for the first time. Better yet, it's your lady-doctor who has seen your business way up close and personal and you just know that she's silently judging you. More than likely, it's a friend you haven't laid eyes on in ten years, but really? What is there to say? I mean, I know you just bought a new car that's pink to match your Vera Bradley bag, but I only know that because I spent too much time clicking through your pictures in Instagram. It's just awkward and meeting these people unexpectedly makes me want to take an anxiety pill.

3. Current Friends / Jonas Brothers / Adam Levine 

I don't even feel like I need to explain this one, but I will because otherwise you might stop reading. These are people that when you see them at pump number 3 at the Mobil station and you are on pump number 42 (it's a large gas station, okay..) you will scream their names until they notice you and then you will run to each other for a giggly hugging-jumping reunion even if you just saw them 20 minutes ago at lunch. I mean, when I see my favorite coworker Jessica unexpectedly at work during the day, I am downright  giddy, so just imagine what it would be like out in public. And as for celebrities, obviously we hang out in places that they frequent, Sweet Tomatoes, Publix, Burger King.. So we have had tons of experience with those kinds of run ins. (Word of advice, they don't quite understand the hugging-jumping reunion, but just keep doing it.. Eventually they give in so you'll stop.)

4. Total Strangers / Stray Kittens / Family Members

These are the members of your world that you are pretty indifferent to when out in public. You'll acknowledge them, if needed, especially if the kitten looks hungry or you think you can swindle mom into paying for half your groceries. These people are pretty non-threatening and are the least of my worries when running errands.

So there you have it, a look at the inner workings of my mind. I apologize if I've recently run into you and acted less than sociable, it really is the stuff of nightmares for me. Much like my students who believe I sleep in my classroom, I like to maintain an air of mystery.. Does she ever grocery shop? Will she be getting gas this week? Is she buying enormous amounts of pizza from Little Caesars? The world may never know. 

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