Monday, July 15, 2013

Where have all the men gone?

I know what you're thinking, Lindsey, you are the one who has been gone all this time, not us. And truly, I am sorry for my absence. But worry not, I have seen each and every episode and I am prepared to break the hometown dates down for you here and now. So, buckle your seat belts and get ready for Home-Town-Palooza!

(I should add a disclaimer here that I have been dismally disappointed with the selection of Bachelors this season. And I cannot promise that I won't allow my true feelings to show through here tonight. But I will be fair and give you Michelle's opinion too, as she is nicer than I am. :)

Date 1: Zak in Dallas

I am not a fan of Zak. He started off the season wearing no clothes and standing on a tiny deck, and really, hasn't gotten any better from there. (Michelle disagrees. She thinks he's lovely and he has really grown on her. Michelle sees that Des and Zak are good for one another and that Cupid has flung an arrow at them. (I mean if even Cupid wasn't all that invested, why should we be?))

Zak meets up with Des in the park and is immediately goofy and silly with her, which she does seem to love about him. Then he revealed the family Sno-Cone Mobile. Michelle is of course, LOVING the Sno-Cones, and insisting that everyone loves a Sno-Cone on a hot day. Which may be true, but it doesn't make me like him any more. Then... he dressed up as a Penguin. I really have no words. But, the kids seemed to like it and Desiree told them all that the penguin was her boyfriend.

Then, they took the Sno-Cone Mobile on over to meet Zak's family; his mom, dad, brother and sister. Zak regaled his family with the story of his shirtless entrance. They were no more impressed than I was. I did actually like Zak's family. His mom was funny and sweet, and if perhaps Zak will tone it down after the show is over, I can get closer to the boarding gate. Though I am still not quite on board.

Zak rearranged the song he wrote for Desiree (which he sang during the Miss America date) and had his brother and sister sing it, while he played the guitar. Desiree and Michelle were very touched. I was not horrified. Zak took Desiree outside and offered her a ring to show her he loved her (Michelle started crying at this point, I am going to have to get a new companion to watch this show with).

The grand total on Zak is one Princess with a thumbs up, and one with a thumbs down. Who do you side with?

Date 2: Drew in Scottsdale

Shockingly, I am also not a fan of Drew. He's nice enough, but... I think he might be gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I just think he might be on the wrong show. Unless of course, his goal is to be the next Bachelorette. And then perhaps Drew has been on the right track all along. (And how much hair product can one man use? Simmer down on the hair gel, Drew.)

Desiree called Drew 'adorable' upon meeting up with him, which is a great word to describe your puppy, but less of a great word to describe your boyfriend. Drew is taking Desiree to meet his dad, his mom and step-dad, his brother and sister and their spouses, their kids, and then his other sister. And a partridge in a pear tree. (How many family members did you think was appropriate for a first meeting, Drew?) To make things more awkward, this will be the first time Drew's dad has been to his mom's house. Fun times!

Drew is the guy with a sister who has disabilities. Desiree is really excited to meet Melissa, which is super sweet. Melissa was really excited to see Drew, probably because he's been away for so long. Desiree's meeting with Melissa went really well, and the three of them went on their way to meet the rest of Drew's ginormous family.

Desiree's time with Drew's family was a lot more serious than her time with Zak's family. I think that for a first meeting things do not necessarily need to be quite so serious. (Michelle started projecting what might be happening if she was meeting Drew's family. She was talking VERY fast and was clearly uncomfortable, which furthers my opinion that less serious is more on a hometown date.) Drew told Des that he loves her, making Des 2 for 2 tonight.

Drew gets two thumbs down from the Couch Potato Princesses, how did you decide?

Date 3: Chris in McMinnville (that's in Oregon, y'all)

I dislike Chris less than I dislike the previously mentioned bachelors. He's a poet, which isn't really my bag, but whatever works for ya, Chris. He seems to be an all around good guy, with a nice sense humor and a good head on his shoulders. Which might be great if I was looking to hire someone to do my taxes, but less great when I am looking for a husband.

Desiree dropped the bomb that Chris apparently played professional baseball. Did any of you know that? We did not know that. We thought he was just merely a mortgage broker. Chris and Des did have a really cute baseball date together. The combo of wine and baseball has really made me like Chris. I didn't think it was possible, but it seems to be happening. He's still no Arie, but we can't all be professional racecar drivers who kiss with the skill of a Roman god. We'll see how the rest of the date pans out for Chris.

Chris didn't break down his family for me, but there were a few of them. Not like Drew style or anything, but more than Zak had. Chris' dad is a chiropractor, and he offered to give Des an adjustment. So... that was weird. I like going to the chiropractor, don't get me wrong, but it was weird. Chris then had his dad put a balloon up his nose... I don't know what that does, but I am calling my mom, who used to work for a chiropractor, to ask.

Chris' family didn't like his last girlfriend, so it is going to all come down to what the overprotective mama says. And Mom does seem to like Des, though it was almost begrudging that she gave him her approval. Chris... I don't know if baseball can overcome this weird family element you've got going on.

The Princesses give Chris two very confused thumbs to the side. He was great (other than that weird balloon up the nose thing) but his family was more awkward than I feel comfortable with.

Date 4: Brooks in Salt Lake City (Welcome to the Land of Many Wives)

Brooks has been my favorite up until now, but really that is only because I feel like I had to pick one. Michelle thinks Brooks needs a haircut, and that they did have a connection in the beginning, but she is not sure that it has moved on from the initial spark.

Desiree told the camera she "loves Brooks" which is a problem since he told the camera he's not sure how he feels. (Can she even say that? Is that allowed? Did she mean love, love, or love in the way that I love my brown wedges? It matters.) It's hard for him not to have enough time to really figure out his feelings, which is understandable, but not how the show works. Sooo, pull it together or leave, Brooks. Desiree gathered some memories of her and Brooks to share together and the two had a nice little stroll down memory lane.

Brooks took Des on a canoe date, which was going great until the boat almost tipped. However, this whole start to their date reminded us how much of a deep connection Brooks and Des have shared since the beginning. They do seem to have a lot in common and enjoy being together, but if Brooksie is having doubts than really, why are we even still here?

Desiree brought a small gift to Brooks' house, which is the first time she's done that this episode (you know, because she loves him). Brooks' family is apparently so large (welcome to Utah, y'all) that they have to wear name tags. Desiree seems much more interested in meeting Brooks' family which is either because she's head over heels for him, or because she's unsure.

Brooks' brothers were concerned that Des couldn't "hang" with him, but Brooks thinks she can. Des told Brooks' mom that her biggest concern was whether or not Brooks was ready for marriage, and his mom assured Des that with the right woman, he would be. Brooks had a sweet heart to heart with his sister where she explained how Brooks should be feeling about Des. Brooks' mom told him that she was surprised by some of Desiree's questions; like she may be concerned if that Des is unsure that Brooks is ready, maybe Brooks might not actually be in love with Des.

I just don't know, Brooks. I want to love you, but I am worried you're not committed to Desiree. He is apparently feeling a bit more comfortable about Des now that she's been to Salt Lake, and he seems to think it has been a turning point.

We are giving Brooks two princess thumbs up, though Michelle's comes with trepidation because she thinks he might be a little bit tooooo serious.

After the hometown dates were over, Desiree had a meeting set up with her brother, who she hasn't seen since the fiasco of her hometown date with Sean. Desiree felt like she needed to clear the air with Nate since she needs to decide whether or not she wants for him to meet the final two guys who will meet her family. Nate really probably thinks this whole TV dating show thing is a crock. He seems to have no faith in the process and to his mind, Desiree should be able to tell him who the "winner" is right now, if it is working. Desiree thinks Nate is more open this time around (which is not really the vibe I picked up on, but she was there, I wasn't) and will consider having him there to meet the guys with her parents.

Chris (Harrison.. not the former professional baseball player) and Desiree had a heart to heart before the rose ceremony so that Desiree can sort out her feelings before giving out a rose. Desiree expressed to Harrison that she's in love with Brooks (love, love, not brown wedges love) and we got the impression that Chris was a close second. This kind of sent Michelle into a bit of a spiral as she really feels bad for Zak. (I was less empathetic.) Desiree then did that really reflective show where she stares at each picture as if the head shots are going to reveal a deep truth to her before she starts handing out roses.

Michelle got anxious hiccups during the rose ceremony, which saw her favorite, Zak, leave us. She then went into a theatrical performance about the agony she (and Zak) were feeling at his departure. So long, Zak. We are sad to see you go (though some of us CLEARLY more than others).

Michelle and I both peg Drew as the next cast off. I am still rooting for Brooks to win and Michelle refuses to participate in predicting because now that Zak, who she hated when he was on the tiny deck, is gone, no one can win and everyone will lose.

What are your thoughts about who will indeed win Desiree's love? Comment below and let us know!


  1. I am *totally* disappointed with this crop of men. I can never get by the shirtlessness of Zak. He's extremely needy and overly enthusiastic. I can hardly stand to watch him when he's on the TV. I did like his family but I found the singing excruciating.

    Drew is totally gay. Which is great, unless you are pretending to date a girl. His family was adorable and I LOVED them. With the right guy, he will be amazing with his amazing family. I hope he's very happy. I love him. But Des doesn't have the right equipment for him.

    Chris' family visit was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen on broadcast TV. That balloon up the nose thing was horrifying. I will never get past how odd he is (or that he pops his suit jacket collars. Or that he writes and recites hideous poetry my 9 year old would scoff at)

    That leaves Brooks, who is my favorite only by default, too. His hair is greasy and too long. He seems wishy washy. I like that he's not falling all over himself for her, though. Why would anyone fall all over her. She's vapid. I've watched every single episode of every dumb season and I've never seen them show a Bach/Bach'ette saying the one they love and the one they want to propose. I find it surprising but refreshing.

    I think Des' brother seems like the one sane person in the world. Of COURSE this is all nuts.

    I think Drew will go home next, too. But it would totally be Chris if she saw that strange nose thing. The only way Brooks doesn't get picked is if he decides to leave--which he might from the preview of tears.

    I can't wait for this boring season to be over. Hopefully we can move on to a season of Arie (fingers crossed) I honestly can't watch ANY of these dudes as the next Bachelor unless they are picking Drew and going in a whole new direction with a crop of men for him. I'd totally watch that show. --Lisa

    1. Oh, Lisa, we are SO glad to hear you agree with us about this lackluster bunch of gentlemen. Cannot wait for next season when hopefully the girls are catty and the Bachelor is intelligent. Only time will tell!

  2. Have to admit....loved your reference to Arie and his skills! I have a feeling Brooks will be the cause of many tears soon...if you can go by some of the previews they have aired...especially since they have been so out there with Des' feelings for him. I really don't have a favorite at this point...sigh...

    1. I'm hoping Brooks doesn't break her heart! (Because there was also a clip of Drew crying, Michelle and I were working on a theory where perhaps Brooks does leave and breaks both Desiree and Drew's hearts. It could happen. Stay tuned... ;)

      Thanks for reading!

  3. Oh, and I agree...that nose thing?? Yuck...not something I wanted to see!